Sometimes I believe I’m nothing but a worthless rock people use to keep themselves from falling and when they are safe, they toss me away. It’s sad really. How many claims to always be there for you, understand you, help you….and in reality its nothing but bullshit. It makes one reflect on their own self worth...well...it does me anyways.
Today at school my depression came out of no where; it was triggered. I wanted to hide, run out of my classroom and get some fresh air but I couldn't. I was secretly hoping someone, no, that my friends, the twins would see I was not in a normal mood and actually give a damn. They did not however. They never do. They don’t notice anything until I come right out and say it, they never even seen me cry. Why would they? I mean I am just some heartless bitch that feels nothing, that believes crying about personal things are for the weak. Heh, everyone in that class honestly sees me as that? What a bunch of mindless children. It’s amusing hearing them claim to be the IB geniuses. The “examples” for the student body.
What a bunch hypocrites.
Speaks love and friendships and family but does nothing to prove it. Hmm...interesting people I must say. I’m not saying the twins are like that; they have good intentions and have listened to some rants I had with no judgement; but they don’t know anything. They don’t see my face under this mask. Like others, they live in ignorance.
I guess I should give them some credit. Not many people lend their ears to try and see a glimpse of a messed up person’s world. To see what makes somebody like me, head ticks. To see how far down I get pulled while I struggle to swim to the surface for air.
Maybe it would have been better to have stayed distant from the world. To remain looking through the glass on the outside rather than taking a chance and going inside. I should have remained a shadow, something only darkness knows and cares about. Maybe it would be better if I stay away from the twins for a bit.
Running away...I remember Axl telling me that. That I run from friends and get new ones to replace old ones. But I never once did that, I never do that. I held on. I’m always the one holding on to the relationships I have with friends, families, pets...even to my own self. I hold on with all of my strength and beyond that too but in the end I’m always left behind and blamed for things out of my control.
I have been replaced, blamed and abandoned by everyone that came into my life. I raised myself by watching the people around me. I had to fall and continue to fall in order to build the walls I have. I made forces to protect myself for a reason only to have them break because I thought it would be safe to join the world. How stupid could I be? Some friends are worth it I admit but the rest are disappointing me like the rest of the people in my past life.
Maybe I am going to stay away for a bit, just a bit. I am inclined to a little get away considering I kill myself for them. I earned a break right?
I payed my dues right?